Date: 2007-04-19 10:45 Subject: Child of the Dark Security: Public

fic found here

Bellatrix: Ugh. Three pointless, obnoxious Sues who belong in the deepest and cruelest of hells. Two of them attach themselves to the Dark Lord, turning him into an emotional simpleton who cannot talk clearly or protect his so-called wife.
Peter: It wasn't really that bad, but I wasn't really paying attention. Had to keep worrying about what'd happen if Master got to three.
Lucius: It was appalling. Bland dialogue, atrocious grammar -- I believe Severus had three aneurysms, quietly, after refusing to correct more of it aloud. Ridiculous powers, and the return of the 'Luscious' Malfoy idiocy. I believe my name is the only six-letter name in the history of the world to have so many creative mispellings.
Severus: The author deserves forty lashes and fifteen minutes of water torture for abuse of the English language. James, Lily and Dumbledore are as ridiculously out of character in their reaction to the newborn Sue as Voldemort. In fact, she seems to be able to take everyone away from canon by existing, even Salazar Slytherin.
Tom: I am not married, I do not have offspring, and I would not put up with some woman calling me Marvolo.

Posted Grade: T, and a good flogging.

( Child of the Dark )

Date: 2006-09-04 20:29 Subject: DEFT3K 4: A New Begining, ch 1-3 Security: Public

Story or Series Title: A New Begining
URL: Located at this address.
Posted Grade: Crucio crucio crucio crucio sectumsempra avada kedavra!, by Bellatrix

Comments:

Bellatrix: They had the master kissing Potter And touching him!
Lucius: It's like a colony of commas have been forced to live as abused mine slaves.
Peter: The Dark Lord is made of tin and Harry Potter is a were-Riddle.
Severus: Horrible grammar, POV changes, and an author with a paralyzing fear of the letter N.
Tom: I had no idea it was possible to make Potter stupider than he is in life.

( Infuriating the satellite AI )

Date: 2006-09-01 15:59 Subject: DEFT3K 3: Purge Security: Public

Story or Series Title: Purge
URL: Located at this address.
Posted Grade: I'm A Stud, by Peter Pettigrew.

Comments:

Bellatrix: Wormtail's a pervert, and Lucius' son is a gay whore.
Lucius: I'm quite about to vomit.
Peter: What can I say, I'm a stud?
Severus: Wormtail fic exists? Ahem. The writing tries for the literary, and succeeds only in becoming confused and banal, alternating between purple prose and bad rap lyrics.

( Purge )

Date: 2006-09-01 15:44 Subject: DEFT3K 2: My Dirty Little Secret Security: Public

Story or Series Title: My Dirty Little Secret
URL Located at this address.
Posted Grade: AK, by Lucius Malfoy.

Comments:

Bellatrix: You filthy Muggle! How dare you sully the Dark Lord with your filthy mind, much less dare to sully his memory with such insults! I'll tear your spine out and shove it down your ugly little throat!
Lucius: I would not like to be called Hermione, as Hermione is a girl's name. And I was never anywhere near Granger in the Department of Mysteries.
Peter: Lucius' homosexuality shines through in this story, despite the pairing. Aniline? Forename? Also, Hermione Granger is a mutant.
Severus: I did not deserve the pointless backstory regarding my plot-unimportant family and colour-changing eyes. If English is not your first language, get a beta reader. If it is... smack yourself between the eyes with a ferrule, then get a beta reader.

( The MST )

Date: 2006-09-01 15:08 Subject: DEFT3K 1: My Name Security: Public

Story Or Series Title: My Name
URL: Lost.
Posted Grade: T, by Severus Snape.

Comments:

Bellatrix: The next time Wormtail comes into my room, I shall castrate him with a rusty chamberpot-scourer. Lucius is a child-molester.
Lucius: I demand a paternity test. Also, the version of me in this story requires a drug test.
Peter: There really are pink plastic handcuffs in the Malfoys' guest room. I've been there.
Severus: I cannot even think of an appropriate punishment for this flagrant abuse of the comma. POV wobbles of this magnitude make me homicidal.

( I don't know WHICH ONE I am! )