Death Eater Fanfic Theater 3000

Child of the Dark

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 21:36:02 GMT

fic found here

Bellatrix: Ugh. Three pointless, obnoxious Sues who belong in the deepest and cruelest of hells. Two of them attach themselves to the Dark Lord, turning him into an emotional simpleton who cannot talk clearly or protect his so-called wife.
Peter: It wasn't really that bad, but I wasn't really paying attention. Had to keep worrying about what'd happen if Master got to three.
Lucius: It was appalling. Bland dialogue, atrocious grammar -- I believe Severus had three aneurysms, quietly, after refusing to correct more of it aloud. Ridiculous powers, and the return of the 'Luscious' Malfoy idiocy. I believe my name is the only six-letter name in the history of the world to have so many creative mispellings.
Severus: The author deserves forty lashes and fifteen minutes of water torture for abuse of the English language. James, Lily and Dumbledore are as ridiculously out of character in their reaction to the newborn Sue as Voldemort. In fact, she seems to be able to take everyone away from canon by existing, even Salazar Slytherin.
Tom: I am not married, I do not have offspring, and I would not put up with some woman calling me Marvolo.

Posted Grade: T, and a good flogging.

Child of the Dark

The once start pupil of Hogwards Tom Marvolo Riddle

Severus: And we begin with a pointless bold face, two spelling errors, and missing comma and the Dark Lord.
Bellatrix: I'm already annoyed.
Peter: I'm already scared.

now a raising dark lord

Lucius: Raising what? Kittens?
Tom: Insolent followers, it seems.
Lucius: Er, forgive me, Master.

whose face was nothing but cruel and devilish stood in the balcony of a large manor. He wore deep green robes as his eyes healed

Peter: He'd take them off when they were finished healing and put on his more usual attire of a pin-striped miniskirt.
Tom: One.
Severus: His eyes held, I believe.

a strange glow in them as his arms were folded across his back, the moon was raising still red as he watched the sea reflect it in its shaking waves…completely peaceful unlike the wizard world that was now in fear and war.

Severus: I have lost count of all that is wrong with that sentence, beginning with the fact that it appears to be three sentences. Rising, by the way, is the word you are looking for, author.

A fear and war he him self

Severus: Himself. *growls* This is excruciating.

had created as Lord Voldemort more respectfully known as the Dark Lord, for others who feared him it was you-know-who or more classically he-who-must-not-be-named a title he alone possessed.

Peter: Or more rambunctiously, Betty.
Tom: Two.
Bellatrix: Does anyone not fear him? And why are fear and respect mutually exclusive?

His heart was normally of stone except for a chosen few who knew his real identity and the man within those iron grip and hatred.

Lucius: ... What?

A real family of followers with him as the father figure,

Peter: *sings* I will be your father figure, put your tiny hand in mine. I will be your preacher-teacher, anything you've got in mind...
Severus: I know for a fact there are no George Michael records in my house, so you can't blame that on Spinner's End.

a man who would punish anyone except one person…his high-school sweet heart, a pure-blood…

Tom: This is laughable. I wouldn't punish someone because they were my sweetheart? Also, I went to Hogwarts. Not a high school.
Severus: This fic is positively riddled with ellipses. It needs an exterminator.

a woman by the name of: Windy Sofeymore back in school.

Peter: What's her name out of school?
Lucius: Miss Backinschool was constantly teased, being called a 'light' woman or a 'bag of wind.'

A year his junior and first in class…now she was no more Windy Sofeymore but Windy Riddle or more widely known as amongst the Death Eaters: The Dark Lady

Bellatrix: Stay away from the Dark Lord, you hideous Sue! Expelliarmus! Crucio!
Tom: When will writers realize that I abandoned that name because it disgusted me to associate myself with my filthy father. Why, even if I delved far enough into insanity to marry, would I give the woman that name?

The Dark Lady his right hand, his beloved and most importantly his queen in the dark side.

Lucius: Whom nobody has ever heard of, because she does not exist.
Severus: This author deserves forty lashes and fifteen minutes of water torture for this comma abuse. They are never where they should be and rarely, when they do appear, necessary.
Bellatrix: Like the Sues themselves. Unnecessary, and never where they belong: Azkaban.

What she says’ goes,

Severus: Strike the ridiculously useless apostrophe.

a woman as wild as a horse, uncontrollable and unbind able but brilliant. He never stopped her from researching ancient dark arts, she never stopped him from torturing or ‘gifting’ his death eaters with muggle women.

Peter: The Dark Lord tortured Death Eaters with Muggle women? What did he do, have them nag them to death?
Severus: Unbindable, one word. Learn to capitalize personal names.

He always looked up to her for new solutions of power and she always looked up to him for getting things her way: keeping her protected. No one knew of her (so he thought)

Lucius: Oh, look. It's pointless parenthetical foreshadowing. It's trying to be clever.

or her value to him both emotionally and strategically. She was like him in so many ways yet unlike him, his thoughts breezed across such ideas as the wind ran through his black hair.

Tom: When is this story taking place? Before the incident with the Potters?
Severus: I cringe at the idea of what this author would do with a semicolon, so I shall not point out that the comma after 'him' should, in fact, be one.

His thoughts came to a sudden halt when a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder it was she. She had come back to haunt him again tonight like everything with pleasurable pain.

Tom: That's a short list of things she's like, then, because I do not enjoy pain.
Peter: Hey, she's a disembodied hand! I hope she's the left one, because otherwise they can't be really married.

“My love?” she called in a sweet chilling voice that was music to his ears, he shut his eyes to enjoy the felling of her hissing into his shoulder, “Tiered?”

Severus: *twitching* Feeling. I... absolutely... refuse... to attempt to fix the grammar of the rest of this drivel.
Lucius: *as Voldemort* No, dear. I'm not tiered at all. I'm actually quite buttressed.

“Hmm…a bit darling.” He responded in the language of the serpents a gift they shared,

Severus: Not another Parselmouth!

“Shall I ease it for you?” she asked taking his hand and gently leading him to the couch and pushing him down and walking behind him

Peter: and taking her clothes off and putting on mood music and getting out the special 'toys.'
Lucius: And doing all these things, what? The first 'and' makes the list have no point.
Bellatrix: None of this has any point. *she sounds somewhat petulant*

. She gently places her palms on his back and starts working through the mussels feeling them, enjoying them.

Peter: Now, I've heard that oysters are aphrodisiacs, but a massage with them sounds kind of gross.

Passionate yet gentle he mourns before whispering into the night,

Bellatrix: We're ALL mourning.

“You are wonderful my dearest lady…I’m glad you are mine.”

“Marvolo try loosen up a bit will you darling?”

Tom: Why is it that none of my supposed lovers can actually get my name right? Potter was calling me Tom at a time when I had cast off the name, and this wench appears to be mistaking me for my grandfather. Sickening idea.

she asked he slowly pulled her in front

Severus: How? Through the couch?

and opened his still closed eyes, studying her gentile body

Peter: How can you tell from a woman's body? I mean, I know with a man's...

clad with a see through white night dress she wore for him. Her neck healed the serpent king’s necklace,

Lucius: Which thanked it kindly and wisely slithered out of this fic.

something she clung to for dear life and not a loved piece of jewellery. It healed a part of his soul,

Tom: I'm somehow relieved to know that is a typo for 'held' and that this fic is not going to save me with warm tears of compassion and hope.
Severus: I'm not entirely sure we're out of the woods yet on that one, Master.

one of his four ‘safety measures’ taken on immortality.

Peter: The other three were not smoking in bed, always wearing a rubber, and never eating at a place called 'Joe's.'

He always urged her to do so too but she told him she would wait till he reached ultimate power…there was more she needed to take care of before that.

Lucius: That makes no sense. There's more she needs to take care of? The most ridiculous excuse not to make a Horcrux.
Bellatrix: On the other hand, it might be a sign of the Sue's impending death. If we're lucky.

Getting up he ran his hands through her chocolate brown hair and rubbed his hands through them,

Severus: Author, you just wrote that Lord Voldemort rubbed his hands through his own hands.
Peter: Well, they got sticky from all the chocolate.

her skin is soft and wonderful against those light brown eyes and a wonderful body that many men would die for, if exposed.

Bellatrix: It sounds like she's a trollop, if men are going to die for her body if they're exposed.
Severus: I believe they mean, if her body were exposed men would die to possess it.
Bellatrix: Bah. She's still a trollop.

All day she wears long robes with a hood covering her identity only known as the dark lady except to the inner circle during their ‘dinner parties’ or such.

Lucius: *dryly* Oh yes, we Death Eaters love to flaunt ourselves to the Ministry by having Death Eater only dinner parties. Why, then we have pyjama parties in Greyback's cave.
Bellatrix: No, no. *she performs finger quotes* "Dinner parties." Where she is known as 'Fenrir's dessert.'

His eyes travelled up and down her body but unable to find the obvious difference in the very body he nourished his senses upon.

Lucius: What?
Peter: She looks just like him?

“Marvolo what happened? Do you find anything different?”

Severus: *as Voldemort* Yes. My name is different from what you've been calling me all afternoon.

“Yes but strangely I can’t…

Lucius: Free myself of this horrible fic.
Bellatrix: Torture you into insanity for your presumptuousness.
Peter: Find my dick...
Tom: Th-
Peter: *quickly* Tracy hat! Find my Dick Tracy hat!

it’s difficult.” He spoke carefully but her smile widened a bit as she took his hand in hers and placed it on her stomach. “I’m carrying out hair Marvolo…

Severus: Oh, just put it in the trash bin. Why does he have to touch it?

I’m with our child.”

Lucius: In the annals of pointless Sues who should never have been penned at all.

“Y-you’re pregnant?” he whispered as a smile spread across his face…

Bellatrix: Then he hexed her into oblivion for being a little trollop.
Tom: I do not have offspring.

tears form in his eyes, a complete family at last. She sits down on his lap making her self-comfortable

Bellatrix: Easy-bake immolating oven.

against his neck, “I have more news about her dear.”

“H-her? A daughter?

Tom: And now I'm crying and stuttering. Unimpressive.
Peter: No, it's a son. I just decided to name him Her. Her Riddle, see? Isn't it cute?

I’m so happy love…what else could there be?” he asked confused, he always wanted a baby girl like her.

Lucius: And you made comments about my sounding like a pedophile, Bella.
Bella: Shut it, Malfoy.

“She is very powerful…I – I did the squib test

Severus: There is no 'squib test.' Which is possibly a good thing, as people like Lucius and Bellatrix would abort in that instance.

but i…it was strange. It turned golden, something that happens only if the baby is very powerful darling.

Peter: Unfortunately, there were also blue stars, which means she's weak sweetheart.

Fifteen days alone and I could feel the girl practically wrench the wand away from my body when I tested her for being a squib. It was like she sensed that I may destroy her if nessisary.”

Lucius: It will be necessary, and note the spelling. She's a Mary Sue, they always corrupt and mutilate their parents' characterization.
Bellatrix: You're just bitter about that 'Purge' fic.
Lucius: Your time will come.

“Really? Even if I loose out or go away she would be there to take over and go about as my legacy love,

Tom: Which I do not need, as I have made myself immortal.

I shall be the only dark lord who has left a hair

Peter: The hair club for dark lords. Free Rogaine prescriptions for all.

to take up things after me.” He spoke into her ear happily as she kissed his tears away…netter noticed a raven fly away from the very place.

Bellatrix: Netter then killed the raven, the pregnant Windy, and the pathetic imitation of Lord Voldemort, returning to the actual Dark Lord to receive further instructions on the disposal of Sues.

The raven flew till a distance

Severus: Of what? A distance of what?

and landed before turning into a human with dark black hair and stunningly wonderful features. He appirated (sp?)

Severus: No, and you should have asked about numerous other words. However, since you inquire: Apparated.

away to a similar place and again turned into a raven and few into a castle’s window into the head master’s office. Dumbledore stood in dark blue robes with stars on them looking at his table as the raven landed on the ground and transformed again, “Aah Jaquas Potter what do have the pleasure of your company at this unearthly hour my boy?”

Lucius: What do?
Bellatrix: You do, sir.
Lucius: No, it was a serious question, Jaquas. What would actually take pleasure from your company?
Severus: What is an unearthly hour?

The man Jaquas Potter smiled at the headmaster, “Head master I have news, she is having a girl soon…a powerful one. He dream’s a lot around her…” Albus smiled too as the younger Potter sat down offering him a lemon drop,

Severus: Albus chuckled. Jaquas was such a lovable scamp, offering him his own lemon drops.

“Wonderful. Did you know your brother James and Lilly too are expecting…four months up.”

Peter: No way! James is pregnant too? I had no idea he could do that. I wonder which one gives birth to Harry.

“Really Albus? That is wonderful indeed, the child would be expected in June?” the older man nodded pouring out two mugs of hot chocolate handing the man one.

Severus: Dumbledore's actions need their own paragraph, or we are forced to believe that Jaquas is the older man.

“Drink to the young Potter your elder brother’s son.”

“To James and Lilly’s darling little angle.”

Peter: It's acute one.

He raised his hand and made a tost before draining it, “Now I must leave and have my rest…I shall meet my family latter.”

Lucius: The family latter would be... Lily?

“Good night Jaquas.” Albus wished him

Bellatrix: Consigned to the ninth circle of hell

and went back to work.

Ten Month’s Latter:

Severus: *growls*

A woman’s scream was heard and then the crying of a baby girl as the light of the full moon hit her small body.

Lucius: She was immediately diagnosed with photosensitivity and whisked off into a dark room from which she would never emerge.

The dark lord walked in to the sight of his wife holding a beautiful active baby in her arms laughing and moving her arms about.

Peter: Went quickly from screaming and crying to laughing and active, didn't they?

“Is she

Bellatrix: Dead yet? Honestly, I'm going out of the room, and if you haven't stopped fooling around and killed them, yet, Dolohov...

? My god she’s beautiful like you darling!” he whispered fearfully taking her in his arms her yes

Lucius: We understand it's a her, yes, Author.

searched his face with brown eyes and reached out to play with his face gently. “Y-yes it’s your pa-pa.” He told her cuddling her as his heart flooded with an emotion he could not recognize.

Severus: It was disgust at his current style of dialogue.
Tom: And a rising urge to kill, but I do recognize both easily.

“She is beautiful my darling – our daughter.” He looked shocked at the birthmark on her left shoulder, a dark red serpent and a black serpent intertwined on a stick. A mark Slytherin him self is said to have had on his body.

Bellatrix: But only the Suethor has ever said it.
Lucius: Infant tattoos, what will they think of next.

Tears shed down the proud parents eyes…with so much love for the little one.

That very night a raven was killed by one of the followers Luscious Malfoy

Peter: *explodes into giggles*
Lucius: How creative. They actually have to put letters into my name to mispell it that badly.
Bellatrix: But be comforted. You got the Stu!

a valued spy was lost for the light. Dumbledore did only one thing that was possible: called James Potter and Lilly Potter.

Severus: A great deal more things are possible than calling the Potters.

James banged his hands on the table as Lilly looked at the head master with determination. Five-month-old Harry was in the arms of his mother, “Albus I want to do this. Jaquas left us the whole information and all about how beautiful the baby is, she cannot be left to rot there.

Bellatrix: *as Lily* If she were ugly, we'd have just tossed her in the street.

Come on Albus you your’ self told us never to judge a person by their family…

Lucius: But by their appearance.

surely we can knock out the dark arts loving side of her with our love and care. She could be Harry’s friend…Sirius’ daughter even.

Severus: Oh, Black is a wonderful choice for a parent. Very responsible, Lily.

I’m not letting that child my brother loved at first sight grow in that hell.” The old head master looked at him over his half moon glasses then responded, “All right you can go but no way you can raise her James even in hiding.

Peter: She has a James too?

She needs to be isolated from this world with just a few contacts as possible hand picked by me. Please trust me James – you can save her one week from now same time.” He said dismissing them with a handful of lemon drops each. The next weak

Lucius: ...pathetic, excuse for a characterization was to be Sirius Black, no doubt.

the dark lord entered his wife’s room to find her body sliced at the neck and the child gone. He let out a great scream of agony…even in death she did not part with his soul.

Peter: Wait, James just walked in and cut a witch's throat? Who is he, Jack the Ripper? Weren't there wards up? Guards?
Tom: I'm just glad this atrocity is over, for now. I believe Smidgen will be sending more.
Severus: I will go absolutely insane if exposed to any more of that grammar and spelling. T! Complete rewrite, detention!
Lucius: And a good flogging.
Bellatrix: Flogging's too good for her. *storms out of the room*

DEFT3K 4: A New Begining, ch 1-3

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 05:44:38 GMT

Story or Series Title: A New Begining
URL: Located at this address.
Posted Grade: Crucio crucio crucio crucio sectumsempra avada kedavra!, by Bellatrix

Comments:

Bellatrix: They had the master kissing Potter And touching him!
Lucius: It's like a colony of commas have been forced to live as abused mine slaves.
Peter: The Dark Lord is made of tin and Harry Potter is a were-Riddle.
Severus: Horrible grammar, POV changes, and an author with a paralyzing fear of the letter N.
Tom: I had no idea it was possible to make Potter stupider than he is in life.

"Ahem." The voice was thin and fussy, much like the man whose image was suddenly gleaming three-dimensional in the kitchen. Peter stopped with a handful of noodles halfway into his mouth.

Ichabod Smidgen's nostrils flared with distaste. "Lovely. Never heard of the fork, Pettigrew? Ingenious invention. Run and get your little cohorts, would you?"

Peter considered staring him down, but something about Smidgen's close-set eyes unnerved him. He had never seen such an unattractive green in his life. He left his noodles and ran off to gather the other three.

In a matter of moments, they all stood around the wavering magical image, and Peter said what was on his mind. "I thought that button was how we communicated with you."

"What button?" Smidgen glanced about.

Pettigrew pointed halfheartedly at the blinking red button on the console. "You know, we hit it and opened up a communication channel."

"Oh, that button," Smidgen pursed his lips. "That would be terribly inefficient for me. Our conversation would depend on whether you wanted to talk to me."

"Well, then, what does the button do?"

"Oh, that activates your satellite AI. Gives the ability to pick up entertainment signals, control the water heat, your course, air conditioning, that sort of thing-"

Eagerly, Peter hit the button.

Smidgen finished, "And it wakes up the slumbering soul of Tom Marvolo Riddle, which I trapped in the satellite device."

"Riddle?" Lucius' eyes widened. "You don't mean?"

A crisp, smooth voice emitted from the very walls. "You trapped my soul in what?"

"Now," Smidgen continued, "about my request. It is-" His image flickered and dissolved.

Riddle's voice was cold. "I don't negotiate with traitors."

Snape sighed. "We have fanfic sign."

Title:

Severus: Is missing an 'n.'

Pairing: HarryXTom

Bellatrix: WHAT?
Tom: (is eerily silent)

& FredXDracoXGeorge XD(A/N Squrlie Jack got me into this pairing(FxDxG)XD)

Lucius: This is some sort of code. I see.
Peter: It's your son sleeping with Weasleys.
Lucius: IT'S A CODE!
Bella: Peter wasn't bad enough?

Warnings: YAOI! BoiXBoi Pairings!

Severus: I agree with Lucius, this is a sort of code. Boy is spelled B-O-Y.

I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER! T-T(I wish I did)

Bella: Really. You sound awfully concerned that we know you don't.

I OWN ALL OCs CEPT RIRI AND THOTHO. SINCE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE.

Lucius: They sound like House Elves.

Post Chapter

“Suddemly, </b>

Severus: Does the author have a crippling fear of the letter N?

the sparks emanating from the cauldron were extingwished.

Severus: Emanating... cauldron... extingwished? Minus 1 on the vocabulary quiz.

A surge of white steam billowed thickly from the cauldron in stead, obliterating everything in front of Harry.

Peter: Wow. That's some heavy-duty steam.
Severus: Instead.

But then, through the mist in front of him, he saw, with an icy surge of terror, the dark outline of a man,

Lucius: It's like a colony of commas have been forced to live as abused mine slaves.

tall and tin, rising slowly from inside the cauldron.”

Bella: Tin?
Peter: It's off to see the wizard.
Severus: (slashes the final quotation mark)

“Robe me,” said a surprisingly smooth voice from behind the steam.

Peter: There's someone else in there?

Wormtail sobbin,

Bella: And hollerin and carryin on.

scrambled to pick up a black robes,

Severus: Robes are plural.

and pulled them one-handed over the said man’s head.

Lucius: I don't believe 'robe me' means 'toss a robe in my general direction' Wormatail.

The tin man stepped out of the cauldron, staring at Harry…

Severus: Hm. I thought that 'tin' was a typo, but apparently I was mistaken.

and Harry stared right back into the face of…

Bellatrix: Death.

an ANGEL! Skin pale as snow, with wide, livid bedroom eyes, a color colder than ice,

Lucius: Poetic but confusing. How is a color cold?

and rose petal lips, looking softer than silk.

Tom: That would be me, I suppose.

Lord Voldemort, no Tom M. Riddle, had risen again………………

Severus: Apparently, Malfoy, there was a comma strike and the ellipses have been sent to take their place.

Tom looked away from Harry and began examining his own body. He was a bit surprised to find hair on his head, a nose, and a nice built body.

Lucius: We'd all be surprised to find a nose and body on our heads.

His fingers were long and slender, he was not bony, just tin.

Severus: Did someone bury a can of soup in Riddle Sr's grave?

His hair was messy and untamed, in a just-shagged look.

Peter: Death is all about those beautiful houris.

Tom Riddle liked his new look.

Tom: Technically, it's my old look.
Lucius: Apparently, the author really likes it.

He turned to look at Harry, ignoring Wormtails pitiful sobs of pain.

Bella: This is noteworthy?

"Harry" said the seductive voice of one Tom Riddle,

Peter: The other six were off in the fog examining each others' bodies.

which caused Harry to shiver involuntary.

Severus: ly.

Tom laughed softly at Harry's reaction, but continued anyway. "My, my, I must thank you for this" Voldemort stopped to point at his new self"Body.

Peter: Is he referring to his dick? Because-
Bellatrix: Wormtail.
Peter: Because-
Lucius: Really, Wormtail, we don't want to-
Peter: Why would you pause before the word 'body' while pointing if-
Tom: Are you asking if I normally have a penis, Wormtail?

Without you, I wouldn't be complete."

Peter: (points silently)
Tom: I believe I can turn off the air in this room any time I choose...

More shivers from Harry was seen,

Severus: Were seen.

as Voldemort stepped even closer to the young man. Harry was able to do nothing but stare at "Voldemort", since he was still tied to the grave stone.

Bella: When was our master tied to the gravestone?
Severus: It's a dangling participle.
Peter: Yes, they were just talking about that a few moments ago.

"Let me go Tom" Harry said in a firm voice. More soft laughter was heard from Tom.

"Calling me Tom now Harry"

Bella: Why that insolent little halfblooded--
Severus: A question mark should indicate a query.

I think I quite like my name on your lips."

Tom: Strange, I never have before.

Before Harry even had time to answer let alone figure out what Tom meant by those words, Tom had pressed his silky soft lips upon his.

Peter: (pinches his upper and lower lip together with his thumb and forefinger and mumbles through it) It looked a little bit like this.

Harry just sat there shocked of what was happening. He just leaned back on the stone letting Tom softly crease his cheek with one of those slender fingers.

Bella: (presses her finger into Peter's cheek until he yelps and moves away) It looked a bit like this.

But as soon as Harry felt a tongue glide itself on his lips he started to panic.

Lucius: Understandable. Disembodied perambulatory tongues are rather disturbing, even when they don't appear near one's mouth.

Lord Voldemort, his archenemy, the person that killed his parents, the person trying to kill HIM was trying to FRENCH KISS HIM!

Severus: This is worse than killing, I suppose?

"The fuck is going on" Harry's mind screamed.

Lucius: Even his mind is incapable of using proper grammar?
Severus: It's actually surprisingly correct.
Tom: I concur.

But Tom seemed to have gotten bored with Harry not responding,

Severus: AND.

decided to make action. He slowly moved his hand that was on Harry's cheek
down to Harry's bottom regions.

Peter: Regions? (wibble)

Harry gasped when he felt Tom's hand on his member,

Peter: MUTANT! His member's on his bottom! One of the two!

he got quite aroused. Tom took this chance to glide his tongue into Harry's wet cravens.

Lucius: His wet craven what?
Severus: Caverns, but it's disgusting.
Lucius: Nonsense. He sent his disembodied tongue into a flooded underground basement in Godric's Hollow--
Bella: Lucius, you're still in denial from the Wormtail fic, aren't you?
Peter: I'm a stud.

Deep in his throat Harry could feel a moan starting. It felt as if someone had just stuffed his throat with cotton balls.

Severus: This is describing the symptoms of some snake venoms.
Tom: You're surprised?

But he would not let the moan escape. He desperately tried to keep it locked inside, but it was diffulcult when one, the Dark Lord was kissing him into oblivation,

Severus: Oblivion or Obliviation?
Bella: I wish to be Obliviated, NOW.

and two when he was also touching him THERE!

Peter: Harry has a very sensitive right elbow.

Soon Harry was kissing back. Why? Well who could blame him;

(all the Death Eaters raise their hands)

he is a teenage boy with raging hormones.

Severus: (scornfully) That excuses everything, does it?

But soon the need for air was very obvious to both men.

Lucius: As I always suspected, Potter is a mouthbreather.
Peter: And the Dark Lord's new nose doesn't work.

They broke apart but Tom obviously had other things in mind: like Harry's beautiful neck line.

Lucius: "Who is your tailor, boy?"

He had Harry under his mercy after the first two kisses and nips on his neck.

Tom: I thought, perhaps, since I had him tied to a headstone.

He has apparently found a very sensitive spot.

Severus: Had. Pathetic children and their inability to hold a tense.

Tom's hands slowly undid Harry's shirt and pushed it off his shoulders as he concentrated on marking Harry as his.

Peter: He peed on him?
Tom: Wormtail.

Harry screamed out Tom's name in pleasure as Tom left a very visible love mark on his shoulder blade. Tom smirked as he let him go, putting Harry's shirt back on for him.

Bella: It looks much better on you, Master.

Harry just stared at him for a second before realizing what had happened. He was scared beyond his life. He just moaned the Dark Lords name.

Tom: No, he moaned my filthy Muggle father's name. Unimpressive.

(A/N No duhhhhh... who wouldn't goes into a fit of giggles)

Peter: Does this mean all of us but Bella have to go into a fit of giggles now?
(uncomfortable silence)

"Hmm... I knew I loved my name on your lips, Harry" said the Dark Lord looking very sexy right about now.

Lucius: The author can apparently see him.
Severus: And the comma strike continues.

"Uh... I think I should get back to Hogwarts before people start worrying. Like Dumbledore, Ron, and Hermione.

"

Peter: The Dark Lord stole Potter's end quote. Nice.

Really: do you think they really... care about you" Tom asked while resting his head on Harry's shoulder.

Tom: A better question would be, 'Do you think I really care if they worry, as I intend to humiliate and kill you?'
Lucius: I see. There has been a genocidal war between the commas and the question marks, leaving few of the former and none of the latter alive.

"Yes I do. They are my friend after all" replied Harry while scrunching up his nose.

Lucius: They are my friend? He's come to terms with the fact that he deserves only one?

"Were your friends Harry, were your friends."

Bella: Oh, good, he's going to kill the obnoxious child.

"What are you talking about" asked Harry with curiosity in his voice

Peter: He was the head in charge of the Department of Redundancy Department.

"What are you talking about Tom"

Tom: No, I've never been your friend. Honestly, it's just like when I tried with the diary, it's like conversing with a pile of dirt.

"You know as just as I, that Dumbledore is a manipulative bastard.

Severus: As well as I. Otherwise, it is pointlessly confusing.

He turned you into this Harry: The "Golden Boy." Shouldn't you be able to make your own decisions? I'll let you leave, take Diggory with you, no Harry he has not died"

Peter: Didn't I Avada Kedavra him? Shot a dud, did I?
Bella: Can't get your rocks off, Worm?

said Tom while picking up Harry and carrying him to where Cedric was sitting

Lucius: Without unchaining him, I note.
Bella: Oh, goody, we get to watch Potter choke and squirm.

"Go back to Hogwarts and tell Dumbledore I am back, and how I used your blood to come back.

Peter: Make sure he knows I am back, and how I used Wormtail's hand to come back. When you get back, tell the Ministry I am back and-
Tom: Enough, Wormtail.

Make sue to do that Harry.

Severus: There will be a Sue, as well?

OBLIVIATE" Tom yelled pointing his wand at Cedric.

Bella: Lucky boy. He doesn't have to remember the beginning of the fic.

"Bye Harry" said Tom while giving Harry one last kiss on the forehead.

Peter: Ugh. Spoke too soon.
Severus: What was the point of Obliviating him? Now the boy will be hopelessly confused. Where was I? Who was that? Why was he kissing Potter?
Lucius: Is Potter gay?
Severus: (waves a hand) Oh, no, we're all clear on that one.

Harry made sure both his and Cedric's hands were on the cup before he felt as if a hook just behind his navel,

Bella: What a slut. Has the Dark Lord and has to fool around with that pretty Hufflepuff?

and had been jerked forward. His feet left the ground and in mere seconds he was back in the maze. As soon as his and Cedric's feet hit the ground, the maze disappeared and they were greeted with the the screaming of hundreds of excited Hogwarts students. The headmaster and Headmistress of all the schools were in front of them in an instant.

Lucius: One of them is missing.
Severus: As it is the one who doesn't merit a capital H, I suspect it is Karkaroff.

Everything that happened after was all a blur to Harry.

Severus: Everything or all, pick one.

He only snapped out of it when he saw that he was in front of Dumbledore's desk. The room hadn't changed much, aside from the fact that it was now pink.

Peter: (shrug) Hadn't changed at all. Same ol' same ol'.

Then he noticed Dumbledore watching him intently. He remembered Tom's words "Make sure to tell Dumbledore that I am back." And he did so. Loudly and startling the headmaster for a brief moment.
"SIR," yelled Harry, "I need to tell you something! It's very important!"

Lucius: "But Harry," Dumbledore replied, "you have already told me that Voldemort was back. Loudly. You startled me for a moment."

"What is it Harry," the same twinkle was in his eyes.

Severus: Which, according to the dialogue splice, can now speak.

How Harry wanted to rip them out, and make sure that they never did that again, but he kept that to himself.

Bella: ... I begin to like the boy.
Peter: He's a were-Riddle!

"Sir, Voldemort is back. He's alive with his own body. He used my some type of potion."

Lucius: Your some kind of potion? Dumbledore, he has admitted with his own lips that he is responsible for this situation! You can no longer keep him out of Azkaban.

Dumbledore immediately leaned forward over the front of his desk. "Harry, this is very important! Did you see any of the ingredients? Voldemort used?"

Peter: Yeah, man. Voldemort's a user.
Tom: Ahem.
Peter: And I stuck myself with his dirty needles and became a were-Riddle-OOOWW!

"Yes..." replied Harry, "He used the flesh of a servant, bone of his father, and MY blood.

Severus: A were-Riddle-ow? Was that a pathetic attempt at a wolf howl?
Peter: (flushed) No, the chair burned me!
Tom: Ahem.

He was able to touch me without hurting me." Harry blushed while remembering how Tom had touched him.

Lucius: Dumbledore saw nothing strange in Potter's blushing while discussing the return of his feared and hated archenemy, because he was also using, and suspected only that Voldemort had been in his stash.

"The worst has at last come to pass. Harry, you are not safe anymore, Voldemort has gained a new, stronger, deadlier bond with your soul. He will be able to communicate with you, touch you.

Severus: We covered that.

It as just as I feared, this summer you will stay at Hogwarts since your blood bond with your family will have no use whatsoever. Harry..." he sighed, and suddenly, it was as if a window had opened that allowed Harry to see all the worry and pressure that he was under, "You maygo now."

Peter: He maygoes now? Is that like being a were-Riddle?
Bella: You never learn, do you Worm?

Walking down one of the many winding corridors Harry heard his two friends talking,

Lucius: I thought they were one?

he was about to pass them when he heard Ron say his name as if it was a curse.

Bella: Hermione then shrieked and fell to the floor, her skin blackened.

Harry stopped to listen to what they were saying.

"UH! I can't stand him Hermione! Why do we even bother being his friends?"

"We are not his friends, Ron, we're just here to manipulate him for Dumbledore. Besides we get paid to do this. And we can use magic during summer. Ha-ha; Dumbledore's such a good guy to us. Ha-ha"

Severus: This dialogue is as convincing as it is well-written.

Oh yeah; well, let's get back before Potter tries to find us"
Harry just stood there shocked by what he had heard. He knew now that Tom was the only one left for him to turn to.

Tom: Why is that? What about that bumbling oaf Hagrid, or the Gryffindor House Head, or Sirius Black- who in this timeframe would live still? Why must I be saddled with your teenage hormones?

He was alone from the beginning. Ron, Hermione had used him to get money. He felt so hollow, he had no real people to call friends.

Lucius: Boo hoo. Are your green eyes turning black?

He noticed Ron and Hermione coming out so he quickly ran to the safety of the Gryffindor common room. Harry sat on the Gryffindor couch waiting for his said friends to come in. He felt betrayed beyond imagination. He wanted to be in Slyterin,

Severus: Twenty points from Gryffindor for mispelling my House name.

maybe he could make a truce with Draco Malfoy, become his friend, and take revenge on everyone that betrayed him.

Lucius: If my son does not take advantage of this opportunity for power, I will disown him.

"HEYA HARRY! Congratulations from not being dead!" was the joyful shout that brought him out of his thoughts.
"Oh, hi Fred, George." "Why the-" Fred started, "-Glum face Harry?" George finished.

Bella: That is horrifically annoying.

Sometimes the two twins really did scare him; the whole "twin" thing was creepy. How they finish each other's sentences,

Lucius: Is that really-
Severus: So very frightening?
Bella: I will hex you both.

there never without the other, and they know each other well. How he envied them. "Cheer up Harry!" beamed Fred, handing him a warm tankard of butter beer, "You've just won the Triwizard Tournament! What've you anything to gloom about?" "Yeah! You should be-"

Peter: Enjoying your winner's prerogative of bondage sex with Fleur and Viktor.
Lucius: Not Cedric?
Peter: Just defeated schools' champions.

George started, "Partying! Getting-"

Severus: Expelled for stealing from my ingredients cupboard.

"-drunk! Don't have a care in the"
"- whole world!" finished George.
"You know what, you're right! I should! I shouldn't be just moping around! Well, where's the party?"

Lucius: The bottom of the lake.

"We knew you'd cheer up," said Fred. "It's in the ROR, be there at 5 P.M"

Bella: The ROR?
Severus: The Room of Requirement. Barmy old Dumbledore must not mind if the entire student body knows about it now.

"We have to get ready for the party," ended Fred and George with a wink.

Sighing Harry went in search of Neville, he was still hoping Neville was still his real friend. He had always enjoyed Neville's company. He liked the same music and movies. He got along with him fine.

Peter: Keep telling yourself that.

A/N: PHEW! I finished rewriting this chap! Sorry if there are spelling errors,

Severus: By now, I am attempting to ignore the grammatical and spelling mistakes.

I'm writing this on notes, 'cause I can't use Microsoft... Anyways.
PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAP!

Bella: He'll be tall, dark and headless.

The Hogwarts party! YAY! For every house! Dumbly allowed it!

Severus: All the house heads dumbly allowed it?

xD Will Harry find friends he can count on before tonight? When will Tom appear?
What is it Dumbly worried about?

Peter: It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.

Draco and Harry are best friends?
Or Neville and Harry are best friends?

Lucius: My money is on option B.

FIND OUT!
((Hint! Hint!)) Steps:
1)Click the review botton 2)Summit review 3)Then click the next chapter button 4)READ!
5)AND 6)REVIEW!
7)It would be much appreciated OH! And thank you for all that wonderful Fairy Dust! xD(referring to reviews)

Severus: T.
Lucius: T.
Peter: T.
Bellatrix: Are you all braindead? They had the master kissing Potter And touching him! Crucio crucio crucio crucio sectumsempra avada kedavra!

Beta's note: OMG... I HATE NOTEPAD. It screws up all the punctuation! And all the paragraphs... and that other junk that you're not interested in because this story is eating away at your mind until miivii decides to update.
-loveoftehblue

MSTer's note: I have never heard of Notepad deleting keystrokes, so while your paragraphs may be upset by the format, you cannot blame your punctuation on it.

DEFT3K 3: Purge

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 23:05:46 GMT

Story or Series Title: Purge
URL: Located at this address.
Posted Grade: I'm A Stud, by Peter Pettigrew.

Comments:

Bellatrix: Wormtail's a pervert, and Lucius' son is a gay whore.
Lucius: I'm quite about to vomit.
Peter: What can I say, I'm a stud?
Severus: Wormtail fic exists? Ahem. The writing tries for the literary, and succeeds only in becoming confused and banal, alternating between purple prose and bad rap lyrics.

Severus Snape looks down at the flashing red of the vidscreen, his long hawkish nose distastefully wrinkled. "Wormtail fic exists?" he mutters.

After a moment, the aforementioned rat leans in a bit over Severus' shoulder, reads with a quick flash of pupils left and right across a page, and goes white. "Er, Malfoy," he calls over his shoulder, "please don't hold me responsible for this."

"We've got fanfic sign," Bellatrix purrs sadistically.

+

Purge

Lucius: All thoughts of this wretched fic from your brain.
Severus: I suggest mercury and steel wool.

Disclaimer: None of the characters in this fic belong to me.

Peter: Stay away! STALKER!

They come from the world of Harry Potter and belong to

Bella: Lord Voldemort.

the supremely wonderful J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros, and all those other people with corporate dibs

Lucius: Ahem.

in the HP madness. No copyright infringement is intended. I'm just having some fun with some great characters, settings, terminology, and ideas.

Peter: Blasphemer!

Mother Earth and I are in a fight.

Bellatrix: She's winning.

Her oppressive energy sticks to me like acid syrup and flows into my brain.

Severus: ... That does not even require a comment.

It is here that grows a tree which bears a tainted fruit;

Bellatrix: Lucius, your son's a tainted fruit.

a fruit whose only purpose is to rot.

Lucius: And what rot!

They didn't know I was depressed.

Severus: They had me on antipsychotics and in restraints.

They didn't know much.

Bellatrix: Lucius, what is 2 + 2?
Lucius: For God's sake, get me out of this fic!

Maybe that's why I killed them. Maybe it isn't.

Severus: Maybe I'm a poorly disguised representation of the author's feelings of inadequacy, avoidance and anger at his or her adolescent homosexual phase.

Regardless, it is my ignorance, not theirs, which brings me here.

Bellatrix: That's for sure.

The pulchritude of this place washes over me,violating the last few drops of the rotten poison that lingers in my system.

Severus: Yes, physical beauty is such a venomous rapine.

I was never given a choice. This venom was injected into my veins the day I was born.

Peter: It's called crack cocaine.

My parents never tried to stop it. They were as weak as I was. My father directly administered the shot, insuring that I would live and die as dictated by his wagging finger.

Bellatrix: So is Lucius as weak as a baby, or as powerful as God? Make up your mind!

I was instructed to hate the Mudbloods and the Muggles. I was taught that the goals of a deranged madman who called himself Lord Voldemort

Bellatrix: HOW DARE YOU?!

were more important than I was.

Bellatrix: (calmer) Well, they are.

What this man believed himself to be the Lord of, I do not know.

Peter: The dance!
Severus: Purebloods, darkness and the future world.

Stupidity? Ignorance? Hatred? Take your pick.

Bellatrix: You have the stupidity nailed, I take hatred. I'm so good at it.
Lucius: It's far more erotic, in any case.

When it came down to it, it was all really quite simple. Too simple, perhaps.

Peter: Because I obviously do not get it.

My father truly believed that I would always obey him; without question.

Lucius: Won't you?

He thought I would put myself last and his wishes first. Thanks to his thoughts, he thinks no more.

Severus: While grammatically acceptable, the sentence has a repetitious quality I find obnoxious.

Killing him was something I rather enjoyed doing. Even watching his brains creep wearily out of his skull,

Lucius: Even my brains are tired of this pathetic version of my son.

in an oozing gelatinous mass, held a certain sadistic appeal.

Peter: Creep, brain-dad, creep! That's right, I said creep!

But I did it for his sake, not mine.

Lucius: (gapes)
Severus: I'm sure he appreciated that, Draco.

My soul purged itself during that moment, when his breath caught in his throat for the last time and the stupidity of it all became strikingly apparent,

Peter: Eeew, soul-poop!
Severus: Finally he recognizes the glaring reality of the stupidity of this.

like a flood rinsing over me, leaving nothing but a raw core in its wake.

Lucius: Because floods always leave raw cores.

Bitter and bruised. My father's soul was covered in far too much blackness to ever reach that point.

Lucius: Certainly, I have been neither stupid, rotten, bitter or bruised.

No flood could water him down;

Peter: Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

no sea could rinse him clean. I did him a favour.

Lucius: (dryly) Yes, patricide is the third most popular Father's Day Present this year.

After all, is it not better to die than it is to live life as a prisoner of ones own misconceptions?

Peter: Ah, er...
Bellatrix: Hm.
Severus: There is always the option of reason, of which this author is woefully unaware.

Without our freedom, we are nothing.

Bellatrix: But slaves.

Freedom is what I crave. Freedom is why I am here.

Peter: Naked in a chain collar. Oh, wait...
Lucius: Wormtail, please refrain from saying anything about my son which will make me go -quite- white.

I knew freedom once. Tasted it. Held it in my arms. His name was Peter.

Peter: FREEDOM! I AM YOUR FREEDOM!
Severus: Sit down, Wormtail. Now.

Dark, even with the fires burning, he forced me out into the light and held me down

Peter: I'm a stud!

while I stared at the sun.

Severus: Which is inadvisable.

"You do not belong in the shadows," he said, "you belong out here."

Peter: Naked and covered in jello.
Lucius: Wormtail, I warn you.

It was his job to "watch" me, as they put it.

Bella: (snickers) You are such a pervert, Wormtail.

But I watched him a great deal more than he did me.

Lucius: (winces)
Bella: Your son is so gay.

He always seemed to exist on the verge of tears,

Bella: Gonna cry, big baby?

like some great sadness had taken root in the pit of his stomach and blossomed in his tear ducts.

Severus: That is quite a long vine from the root to the blossom.

His eyes were far too small to contain that much pain.

Lucius: And far too piggy to contain so little grease.
Peter: Hey!

Have you ever seen someone so different from yourself that you cannot help but fixate on something as meaningless as the manner in which they turn their head?

Bellatrix: Because you just have to laugh at them every time they do it in that horribly poncy way?

Not for a single moment can you hope to focus on anything else. Not even if the world disappeared beneath your feet and you were caught drifting idly in a field of space.

Severus: Because in that instance, there would be quite nothing to focus on, and terror to conquer one's thoughts.

This is how it was. He entranced me from the beginning. He stole the eyes from my head and glued them to his every footstep.

Bellatrix: I have new respect for you, Worm. That's quite disgusting.

Never had I seen someone who possessed an unequivocal beauty, marred with such bitter traces of ugliness.

Lucius: I wish my son would stop contradicting himself.

I hated him at first. Hated him more than I hated myself. "My bloody babysitter", I thought, while

Bellatrix: Cutting him with my knife and riding him hard against the Persian carpet.

embracing his cheeks with streaks of spit and forcefully removing what little hair he had left.

Peter: I can get behind the hair-pulling. The spit is gross though.

There's a tiny yellow ball spinning in my stomach, screaming, dying to be let out.

Peter: O_O TMI.
Lucius: I see, this has to do with drugs, does it? (sigh)

Then, one afternoon, we let our broomsticks soar,

Bellatrix: Is that what they call it these days?

and we danced on the wind like playful doves. When we touched back down to Earth, a most regrettable experience, our flight had stolen the water from his eyes and bequeathed his cheeks with a fervent glow.

Severus: The remnants of his vitreous humour had dried to his cheeks and now glittered there coldly.

We sat beneath an old oak tree, his fingers tracing circles in my hair, and I could not help but fee,

Lucius: We really aren't quite that hard up for money, Draco.

for the first time, as if I actually belonged. That tree became a spot to which we always returned.

After that, spending time with him was easy. I grew to admire him, to respect him,

Severus: To need the hashish brownies he was constantly feeding me.

to pity him, and I began to catch my thoughts of him by the tail.

Lucius: Which is an, ahahaha, so clever pun!

I would pull them back and examine them before my eyes as they stretched and twitched, desperate to vacate my grasp,

Severus: Draco's fantasies have more sense than he does.

but I would not allow them to depart, for I was continually bewitched by what I saw.

Bellatrix: (wiggles her nose)

It became increasingly difficult for these thoughts to project a negative image of him. Instead, they began to bare the subtle markings of desire.

Peter: Like that birthmark on my tailbone.
Lucius: AGH! Don't tell me that!

I longed for him, and he longed for me, so it was a natural extension for our time together to evolve into something more

Severus: I had no idea they had that much time.
Peter: We emerged into tentacle-brains and began to caress each other with our electromagnetic waves.

He cared more for me than any other

Lucius: Freaking out of character schoolboy.

. My father was too occupied wallowing in his own troubles to care.

Lucius: Actually, I was just hoping you'd kill yourself in your moments of angsting self-hatred and spare me the trouble.

My mother was too obsessed with entertaining her friends -- for hours the lot of them could sit before a mirror and stare,

Bellatrix: So they're really quite easily entertained.
Severus: And do not own mirrors of their own.

more thrilled with their own reflections than anything else. This was their idea of a good time. But Peter was different. Peter loved me.

Peter: Mirror... oooh, shiny! (smirks then, at Lucius) You wanted me to say?

We came before you. We're somewhere that we are not supposed to be.

Bellatrix: What?

When the threat is over, he will come.

Peter: With his Nazi uniform, and his pink bubblegum.

I am drowning in an unmarked crate.

Lucius: Because my spinelessness finally did a jellyfish make.

At first, he was reluctant to share himself with me.

Peter: Well, yeah, I mean, I'm using me!

I pleaded repeatedly, fishing down his trousers for the special something I longed to touch.

Severus: Really, Draco, just ask your father for a bit of pocket money for that auto-eroto-orb.

But he would brush me away, set me down, kiss me softly, and dare to explore no further than that.With time, however, all things change. And as we rested in the shade of our special tree, his hands found my own,

Peter: Sweet! Six points for the scavenger hunt!

squeezing my fingers, and his eyes continued to water as they always did ,

Severus: That space before the comma has real literary value.
Bellatrix: Draco's raw-onion perfume is doing Worm in.

as he lifted off my shirt and laid me against the roots.

Bellatrix: No foreplay?

They dug mercilessly into my back, and I adored every minute of it.

Severus and Lucius: (open-faced and aghast)

His mouth was like velvet, caressing my skin,

Lucius: Draco, Draco, Draco. Porn cliches from a Malfoy? Really, I shall disown you.

sucking at my chest with hungry, gaping mouthfuls. "So beautiful," he murmured,

Peter: Cream of wheat Draco!

as his fingers caught in my zipper

Peter: OW!

and retraced its tracks. I began to squirm and moan, lifting my hips, needing to be relieved

Severus: Then raise your hand and ask to be excused to the bathroom, Malfoy.

of the burden of fabric which separated me from my lover's touch. Clumsily,

Lucius: Like everything else in this fic.

as if it was something he had never done before,

Bella: It was.

he committed himself to the task I required of him. Shyly, he gazed at my boxers

Peter: Happy Bunny freaks me out.

- already strained from the pressure of my hardened cock,

Lucius: Take the chicken out. Honestly, Draco.

and he removed those too, with even less adroitness than before.

Peter: I'm no good at juggling roosters.

Not that I cared. For he was mine, all mine. I can still feel the blood burning in my loins,

Bellatrix: It really hurt.

fueled by the warmth of his mouth and I fire that I had never known.

Lucius: Yes, it's like that the first time. I fired that had never known once, also. I had better taste, however.

In the end, we will all snap like fallen twigs.

Bellatrix: Yes, you shall. (she chuckles evilly)

It did not stop there. No, that was only the beginning.

Severus: Will you never be done?

A new beginning, I liked to call it. For everything seemed to change direction; to shift. And the world I saw was no longer the world I hated. It was all sugar cubes and tulips,

Lucius: And crack cocaine. Right, Draco, it's rehab for you.

punctuated by the occasional throaty moan, drawn from deep within a hidden place.

Peter: I like to hide under bridges and moan at you!

We are bits of randomness that fall into place, stuck like fake jewels in a plastic crown.

Severus: Or this prose is, anyway.

One night, my father returned to the Manor in a state of obvious intoxication.

Lucius: For which you were quite lucky, as if I were sober I would recognize you as a terrible Gary Stu and obliterate you.

By no fault of my own, I managed to infuriate him beyond measure. He bent me over a chair,

Severus: I can't really blame him.

tearing at my clothing,

Bella: Oh, is it that sort of fic?

as he howled for a house-elf to fetch his whip.

Lucius: (snorts)

I did not cry out, in fact I made no sound at all, not even as the leather bit into my skin. It was something I was used to, and something I

Bella: Liked.
Lucius: Stop it, Bellatrix. Don't encourage them.

no longer feared. But through his drunken haze, he began to recognize something that made him roar with much greater ferocity.

Peter: Lucius IS Aslan!

On my back were the markings Peter had made the day before,

Lucius: That actually is... disgusting.

the product of love bites, mainly… I always loved the sensation of his teeth piercing my skin.

Peter: I am SUCH a stud!

My father, however, did not approve,

Lucius: That is correct.

and he beat me until I was no longer lucid enough to prevent myself from revealing who it was that marked me so.

Severus: I see, so this Draco is abused, angsty, and lecherous?

He told his Lord that he would have no man do to his son was Peter had done to me.

Severus: AS.
Bellatrix: That's sort of sweet. Nice of you, Lucius. Too bad your son's a whore.
Lucius: Of course, I might not have actually -whipped- him first. Love bites are so much more degrading.

I tried vainly to convince him of the truth. I was needed. I was loved.

Bellatrix: I was a cotton-candy-colored poof.

Yet, nothing I said could allow his frigid heart to believe such a thing.

Severus: Though it was really his icy brain that I needed to convince.
Peter: And what's with the fixation with dad's frigidity? I thought I was the stud?

Lord Voldemort, seeing my fathers anger and wishing to make things right again, ordered Peter to be "put out of his misery".

Peter: I get to sleep with Lucius?
Lucius: ... I hesitate between flattered and disgusted.

After all, my father was an important part of his plan, whatever it may have been…

Bellatrix: (snorts)

Systematic disembowelment. This was how it was to be.

Peter: Wait, Voldemort's plan is systematic disembowelment, and Lucius is crucial to it?
Bellatrix: (smiles) Sounds good to me.

The cries knew no end, shredding my skin with each piercing tone. There was a dead weight overcoming the spot in my heart which Peter once occupied.

Severus: It was a tumor, for which I had to have immediate surgery.

Dead, driving, decaying.

Peter: Drawers.

Torn and bleeding; the borders are closing in. The noises burn. The noises never quit.

Lucius: Rehab, I tell you.

Life is a pathetic distraction from reality.

Severus: Put that on a bumper sticker, Muggle.

But I could not abbreviate my devotion,

Bellatrix: Dev.?

and his death destroyed me. I died as the contents of his abdomen flooded across the floor.

Bellatrix: For Lucius' used condom was among it.
Lucius: Bellatrix...

Fold me into a million pieces. Thank you for puncturing my dream.

Lucius: You are welcome.
Severus: How is one folded into pieces?

Don't scratch the square too hard, my dear; we do not want the curtains burning.

Bellatrix: What...
Peter: The...
Lucius: (just shakes his head)

I'm sure everyone must think I've snapped.

Severus: In fact, we do.

Fuck them. On second thought,

Bellatrix: I've already implied I've fucked half of them, and the other two don't do children.
Lucius: Bellatrix, one more implication of that nature and you will highly regret it.

perhaps my mind has strayed slightly from the beaten path. Killing is not supposed to be that much fun.

Bellatrix: Au contraire.

It's supposed to be something you do humbly, dutifully, not with a song in your heart. Especially when it comes to your family.

Peter: (snickers)

There is a jungle in my head that blocks out all the light. Vines drunk with ambition

Peter: ... stagger around crying, "Wotcha! That was my Sam Adams, you bloody monkey!"

fight their way through the brush. Young trees battle it out on the ground, racing

Severus: Despite the fact that trees are normally stationary.

to see which will first meet with the light and dance. The sounds of the jungle echo through my thoughts. I tear through the world, not caring where I end up, or how long I can go, before I too fall from my perch, landing with a thud and bonding with the masses of decaying matter that already coat the forest floor.

Lucius: Sounds like you are bonding with your natural kin.

Sometimes, father, I feel like you are brainwashing me.

Lucius: Please. I have no desire either to screw Wormtail or to write adolescent, quasi-gothic flash fiction.

Those words make more sense to me now than ever before. Watching, waiting, I stand against the arms of infinity. Below me the waves of a ravenous ocean hurl themselves against the mighty cliffs. As quickly as they greet the rocks, they pull away again, as if afraid to fall in love.

Peter: The ocean's a big pricktease.

Oh, why they play such mindless, silly games, I shall never know.

Severus: Perhaps because ocean waves have no minds.

As my feet propel themselves over the edge, I begin to ask why any of us bother. Why live? What's the game? What's the use? How many times must I die before my education is complete?

Severus: Once. Try it.

Why must we suffer so? I suppose, in the end, there is only one way to find out.

Lucius: Excuse me, dear colleagues, I am quite about to vomit.

+

Lucius rises coolly to his feet and walks rather unsteadily out of the viewing room.

Peter glances at Snape and Bella. "Right," he says with finality, "I'm a stud."

Bella snorts and Snape rolls his eyes.

DEFT3K 2: My Dirty Little Secret

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 22:57:24 GMT

Story or Series Title: My Dirty Little Secret
URL Located at this address.
Posted Grade: AK, by Lucius Malfoy.

Comments:

Bellatrix: You filthy Muggle! How dare you sully the Dark Lord with your filthy mind, much less dare to sully his memory with such insults! I'll tear your spine out and shove it down your ugly little throat!
Lucius: I would not like to be called Hermione, as Hermione is a girl's name. And I was never anywhere near Granger in the Department of Mysteries.
Peter: Lucius' homosexuality shines through in this story, despite the pairing. Aniline? Forename? Also, Hermione Granger is a mutant.
Severus: I did not deserve the pointless backstory regarding my plot-unimportant family and colour-changing eyes. If English is not your first language, get a beta reader. If it is... smack yourself between the eyes with a ferrule, then get a beta reader.

A sepulchral scream echoes through the satellite. "WHO USED MY SILK STOCKINGS TO CLOG THE LEAK IN THE BILLIARD ROOM?"

Peter Pettigrew, also known as Wormtail, also known as Dead Meat If Bellatrix Lestrange Ever Finds Out About Those Pictures, looked at the flashing red button nervously and laughed a relieved little laugh.

"Er, I don't know, Bella," he called, "But we've got fanfic sign!"

My Dirty Little Secret.

Lucius: I am hoping beyond hope that it's only a lack of attention at Death Eater meetings or a dislike of cucumber sandwiches.
Bellatrix: I think the term is "dreaming."

By Puck-X

Peter: Because adding an "X" to anything just makes it cooler.

Beauty was the most rentable good existing.

Severus: The most rentable good existing what? You cannot end a sentence with an adjective. Does the author mean 'the most rentable goodness in existence'? Since when can one rent beauty? I am already tearing my hair and this is only the first line!
Peter: Maybe it's the most rentable good existing sandwich condiment?
Bellatrix: Congratulations, rat, you've just made the fic slightly more surreal.

One couldn’t fight beauty; it had the most stupefying power on Men.

Peter: But not upon Goblins, Chipmunks or Insurance Salesmen.

Beauty was everlasting; it couldn’t perish.

Bellatrix: Oh, I beg to differ.

One thing that will remain for ever in history,

Severus: Forever. ::Growls::

no matter what people have the power or what war was going on,

Lucius: Or how many grammatical mistakes I cram into one small, unoffending sentence.

was beauty. One thing that was saved, and conserved with proud and greed was splendour.

Severus: PRIDE.
Peter: He's going to have an aneurysm before this is over, I can see it coming.

History told it all the time.

Peter: History told it over and over, you have to be conserved to remain forever in me, but would beauty listen? Nooo. Beauty thought it knew everything.

Helen of Troy, the most beautiful woman of all Greece,

Lucius: She's had a downgrade from being the most beautiful woman in the world, I see.

had caused thousands of dead soldiers, but still very few blamed her.

Bellatrix: Since they were dead and all, they didn't hold many grudges.

How could you curse her? She was the epitome of loveliness.

Severus: Personally, I would point my wand at her and say, "Crucio!"
Bellatrix: My personal favorite. "Sectumsempra" is also nice, however, and would ruin that epitome of loveliness, which is starting to get on my nerves anyway.
Lucius: Since if she ever existed, she's long dead, I think I'd start by checking to see if she was an Inferius.

Athena, Pompeii, the Antique Greece, the Rome Empire

Peter: One of these things is not like the others.
Severus: That would be "Athens" and the "Roman" Empire.

would never be forget because of the beauty it had created.

Severus: FORGOTTEN. THEY had created.

Painters

Severus: SUCH

as Michangelo, Monet, Edelfelt and Renoir would never be forget.

Lucius: This fanfic will never be forget, and not because of its beauty.

Painters are the true heroes and the most acute viewers of their time. What do you connect at first with Da Vinci?

Peter: The dots?
Severus: His name?

Mona Lisa of course; to hell with his inventions; he only remained in history because of one painting.

Lucius: This person has no understanding of history or art. The Mona Lisa is not critically accepted as DaVinci's greatest painting, only the one with the widest appeal.

Being good wasn’t rentable; or only rentable a short time.

Bellatrix: Author, if you are so obsessed with renting beauty, back away from the keyboard, have a few drinks and go to the Red Lights district. Do us all a favor.

Those who were heroes could suddenly become the scum of the earth in a space of fifty years.

Severus: Less, in the case of James Potter.

Those who had fought bravely in battles could suddenly be only seen as murderers.

Peter: They hadn't paid their lease on goodness at their local Rent-A-Reputation.

In one hundred years no one will surely remember Mother Theresa. She was old and ugly as she died; Marilyn Monroe would be remembered forever.

Severus: So intelligence, hard work, inventiveness and even the killing of large numbers of people is unimportant next to large breasts and a winsome smile?
Peter: It's hard to argue with that.

Evil was very rentable too. Names like Hitler or Voldemort will forever be in

Peter: Stock, available for a very affordable price.
Bellatrix: I'd watch it, Wormtail. The Dark Lord may not be quite dead.

history books. But Evil was evil, and people had a strong tendency to fight it.

Severus: Unless it had long blonde hair and wore a D cup, presumably.

Whereas beauty, no one could criticize it. One was even praised for keeping beauty safe and alive.

Bellatrix: Cosmetic healers get mountains of fan mail daily.

One thing Lucius Malfoy adored was beauty. He treasured beauty. Beauty was his drug, his medicine, his crave, his hunger, his life-essence, his obsession.

Lucius: They forgot my heart, my soul, my addiction, my love, my child, my fortress, my sin, my grief, my pleasure, my pain, my…
Peter: Socks, House Elf…

In the dungeon of Malfoy Manor, he kept his most loved possessions; his statues, his paintings, his books, his jewels, his sounds, his animals, his sweet nothings, all carefully collected through years.

Lucius: Why, exactly, would I keep those things in the dungeons?
Bellatrix: And how do you store nothings?

Lucius’s childhood had been so sweet. So sweet and soft and cherished;

Peter: He kept it in irons, chained to his dungeon wall, so he could stroke its sweet softness.
Lucius: Be careful, Wormtail.

He loved to bear in mind his childhood years. Kaïn Malfoy, Lucius’s father,

::all burst out laughing::
Peter: What's with the two dots on the 'I'?
Severus: Abraxas is rolling in his grave.

had been very close to his son. Both had been big worshippers of art. Melinda Malfoy, Lucius’s much loved mother,

::all double over laughing::
Lucius: Melinda? They have to be joking.
Severus: Abraxas is now clawing his way out of his grave in search of vengeance.
Lucius: I've left his laboratory untouched if he wants to use it, though I do suppose he'd have to deal with the Aurors and their nonsense.

had been a talented and brilliant painter. Lucius had grown up in his obsession, receiving feedback in return from is parents.

Bellatrix: (as mother) Your obsession is well-thought-out, but I personally think it could use a bit more focus.

He married Narcissa Black for that reason. She was an exquisite and divine creature. He hated her character, but her good looks made up for it. Made up for it a lot. It didn’t hurt that she was graceful and elegant.

Bellatrix and Severus: There is nothing wrong with Narcissa/Cissy's character!
Lucius: ::calmly:: They're right about the beauty, however.

But one thing Lucius loathed about his wife was her voice, which was snotty, sluggish and high- pitched.

Severus: Even if that were true, how exactly does one have a 'sluggish' voice?
Peter: I'm getting horrible images of Narcissa speaking with Slughorn's voice. ::shudders::

When she talked, you had the impression of being bombarded with broken shards and that your ears were being rubbed with extra care with sand paper.

Lucius: … I'm sure. Are you on medication for that schizophrenic delusion, author?

His son, Draco Malfoy, was a little jewel.

Bellatrix: The family jewel, to be precise.

Lucius Malfoy was so proud of is son.

Severus: His.

He could forgive his son everything. He had never been able to beat the crap out of him;

Lucius: I'm sorry, Draco. I try. I try to be a good father and to abuse you, but I just can't. I find myself forgiving you. I blame my lovely relationship with my own father, who was never kind enough to beat the crap out of me.

nothing was allowed to hit that perfect little cherub face. Lucius had dozens of pictures of Draco in different ages in his dungeon.

Bellatrix: That's odd. So he can't beat him, but he can chain him in the dungeon and whip him?
Severus: I believe that is meant to imply that he has pictures of Draco that he keeps in his dungeon.

The sight of his son, a thing that truly belonged to HIM,

Peter: Sold him to a Muggle band, did you?

made his chest swell up with pride. He owned such a beautiful little thing. He created it.

Bellatrix: Narcissa and her sluggy broken-glass voice had nothing to do with it. Draco sprang full-grown from Lucius' forehead.

Of course Lucius knew that beauty had different shapes and forms.

Peter: Some were A-cups, some were Triple-Ds.

Sounds were one of them. Lucius liked music, and the clang of magnificent words.

Severus: Although if this were actually the case, he might have enjoyed the clangour of magnificent words, rather than indulging in sub-literary onamotopeia.

Often, he walked through the enormous Malfoy library in search for names, words to pronounce. One of his favourite words was aniline, a special shade of red colour.

Peter: ::snickers:: What a telling word for Lucius to fixate upon.
Lucius: Wormtail, I'm warning you.

Another word he liked was a forename.

Peter: Because of its sound similarity to a foreskin?
Lucius: Wormtail…

Hermione. Hermione was one of the prettiest words he ever had heard or read. It sounded unique and exotic, somehow mysterious and complex. Lucius would have loved to be called Hermione.

Lucius: ::looks appalled:: I would NOT. Hermione is a girl's name. And please don't tell me I'm going to have some sort of obsessive fixation on that Granger Mudblood.
Bellatrix: It seems so. Shall I call you Hermione for the rest of the fic, Lucius?
Lucius: Try. I will take pleasure in showing you how little regard I actually have for beauty.

He loved the way it rolled on his tongue; he liked to pronounce it in different ways. Some times, without even realising it, he chanted the name under his breath, like some kind of inner mantra.

Peter: Karmic Hermione. The new religion.

He had received a huge blow as he had seen the girl in question.

Bellatrix: It was so intense that it gave him a mild concussion, and total amnesia regarding who he was and what he found attractive in women.

She was so… unattractive.

Lucius: I concur.

He had eyed her carefully as he had met her and the Weaslys just before her Second Year. Bushy, light brown hair, buckled teeth with braces, bright rust coloured eyes. Tanned skin.

Severus: I confess I pay little attention to teenaged Gryffindors, but I don't recall the braces or the red eyes.

Even through she looked hideous, Lucius had sensed a potential under all that bushy hair and beaver teeth.

Peter: ::shudders:: Mutant!
Bellatrix: Not THAT kind of beaver, idiot.

He had taught his son the clever little tooth trick in hope his son would show mercy and rectify the poor girl’s face.

Lucius: Because I do not know my son at all and somehow expect him to be merciful and kind to obnoxious, know-it-all Mudbloods.

He had been thrilled as he learned what had happened to her during his son’s Fourth year. He had seen how stunning she had looked thanks to secretly shot pictures Rita Skeeter had taken. Lucius had been happy to see how he could discern the potential beauty out of such a human. She looked scrumptious, and Lucius had the feeling that it only the beginning of her transformation.

Severus: Once Fenrir Greyback got a hold of her.

Oh how he had been right!

Bellatrix: She made a gorgeous, haglike werewolf bitch. She and Greyback ran wild in the countryside, hair matted with blood, feeding on the sweet flesh of children.

She looked delicious when they had fought in the Department of mysteries. He had managed to touch her face and hair a short time during the fight, and had almost fainted.

Lucius: First of all, I was never anywhere near Granger. Secondly, I do not faint, even when confronted by bushy brown hair and teenaged cheek.

It was so soft, a real treat for his fingers. Lucius adored touching everything, so his taciturn sensibility was very developed.

Severus: Taciturn sensibility is what I have. I dislike touching anything. The word you are looking for is tactile.

Her skin was so supple and malleable,

Bellatrix: He knew he could stretch it out into a nice pair of gloves.

and her hair shiny and soft. He yearned to curl his hands into that hair. Those curly golden strands had been filled with anger.

Lucius: I have no desire to put my hands into obviously dyed tresses which are also in apparent need of an exorcism.

He had seen it crackle under his fingers. Her eyes contained so much anger it reminded him of another person: Tom Riddle.

Bellatrix: … Did this Author just compare some Mudblood bitchchild with the Dark Lord? How dare they!
Peter: Not only that, but they implied it's the attraction.
Lucius: The version of me in this story is on psychotropic drugs of some kind.

She was so much at the same time. She was so much Lucius was ready to sacrifice anything just to touch her face once.

Severus: With a wandless curse.

Anything. But he wasn’t anyone. He would receive the object of his desire. No, not object, human being.

Peter: No, not human being, House Elf.

Lucius of course had despised Hogwarts. True, the castle was superb, but the people… The people were grotesque.
Lucius had loathed being in school. He loathed Dumbledore even worse for forcing upon them this ridiculous robe rule.

Bellatrix: Lucius much preferred to roam the castle naked, displaying the true rentability of his beauty.
Lucius: Bellatrix, I warn you.

This was why he joined the Death Eaters. Tom Marvolo Riddle had been an incredibly stunning young man

Peter: Who almost never put on any clothes, and certainly didn't enforce a dress code far more rigid than that at Hogwarts. Certainly not.

. Handsome, so handsome it was almost an insult.

Lucius: Handbags at dawn!*

His dark blue eyes were mesmerizing when hate and anger clouded them.

Bellatrix: But far less interesting when he was in a fairly decent mood.

That had been before; Lucius couldn’t help but shudder as he saw what the Dark Lord had done to himself. The handsome young man had turned into the most hideous, repugnant, vile and disgusting living item existstable.

Severus: Existable isn't even a word. ::slashes his wand and cuts it out entirely:: Atrocity.
Bellatrix: ::furious:: You filthy Muggle! How dare you sully the Dark Lord with your filthy mind, much less dare to sully his memory with such insults! I'll tear your spine out and shove it down your ugly little throat!

Yet he had returned eagerly to his Master as he had power again. Beauty was one thing that Voldemort had promised to him. He had received it. Great amounts of it.

Lucius: Voldemort was an excellent cosmetic magus.

Lucius had in his possessions paintings so valuable that there was no price for them.

Peter: Malfoy, I have swampland in Scotland there's no price for either. Want to take it off my hands?

The Dark Lord didn’t command his Death eaters to rape. He was very against it. Lucius fancied the thought of Tom Riddle’s mother being raped, or at least abused by some Muggle man.

Severus: That sounds disturbingly like he fantasizes about it.
Lucius: I have never even imagined Tom Riddle's mother. And the concept of a Muggle raping or abusing a witch fills me with disgust and anger, thank you.

Snape was an undeniable source of joy for Lucius.

Peter: ::snickers::
Severus: Just stop there.

The man was so dark, so desperate, so angst filled,

Peter: Like a little Gothic twinkie.

Lucius had shivers running down his spine and goose bumps of the sight of him. Severus’s mask of deep despair was art.

Lucius: If that means I think it's a sham, that's right.

Severus Snape’s story was horrible: his mother had died in childbirth. The child was a stillborn son. Severus’s beloved bigger sister

Bellatrix: Not older, just bigger.

died in a very strange accident. No one really knows if it was an accident, or if it was suicide, or eventually her father murdered her.

Severus: Or if she was the contrived and pointless creation of a bored fanfic author, and had never existed at all.

She had been five years older then Severus. His sister had been his Ersatz mother,

Bellatrix: Pureblood families are not even that inbred.

and she left him just before he left for Hogwarts.
Hogwarts was a long torturous time for him, being the laughingstock of everyone. But, he also found his true love, who bore the name of the stone of the dead: Opale.

Severus: Which, coincidentally, exists exactly as much as my so-called true love.

He should have sensed the bad omen, but alas, they married. They had a fucking happy ending.

Peter: Random curse words at three o'clock! Duck everyone!
Bellatrix: At least he married her first.

Severus was happy with Opale, who gave him a daughter and a son, Ophelia and Angelo. .

Severus: ::Glowers:: Author, will you leave this pointless story out of your crackfic, please? I do not deserve it and it has nothing to do with your purported obsession with Lucius, Miss Granger, and rentable beauty.

But alas, fate was cruel and Severus’s beloved wife and children died. Lucius didn’t know how,

Lucius: But he suspected they were unimportant to the story and had been written off without even an attempt at explanation.

but so was the facts and Snape was going to mourn his whole life.

Severus: Over the colossal grammatical stupidity of "but so was the facts."

This was the reason why he loathed teaching and apparently hated his pupils. They reminded him of his own Angelo and Ophelia that had never the chance to attend Hogwarts.

Severus: If I went back and taught at Hogwarts again, I would hate my pupils more, because they would remind me of Angelo and Ophelia and the travesty that is my life in this Author's empty little head.

Severus had been devastated as he had learned about his little family’s death.

Bellatrix: Though he'd poisoned all of them in order to get out of this story.

Lucius had pictures of those clear turquoise eyes turning slowly black.

Bellatrix: Aw, my poor little angst-filled cupcake!
Peter: She said it, I didn't. Possibly this Author ought to write more Goth poetry.

It had been a very particular thing to watch. That what used to be the most striking eyes in the whole wizarding world slowly turned black. Ah- the power of emotions!

Severus: What precisely is wrong with dark eyes? Hmm?

A painful memory to Lucius was the burial of Opale, Ophelia and Angelo Snape.

Lucius: Though their ludicrous names made it fairly laughable, all things considered.

Severus had gone mad during the ceremony, laughing, screaming and crying. He ripped his hair off, and tried to kill himself several times. Lucius was the one who tattooed the name of his spouse and offspring on his chest, just above his heart.

Severus: ::dryly:: Thank you, Lucius. I'm sure that helped.

Yeah- New story. Lucius/Hermione.

Lucius: Avada Kedavra!

Violence, blood, hostage taking, almost rapes and odd obsessions galore!

Bellatrix: What is an almost rape?
Severus: A rape of the King's English, I highly expect.

You better review.

Lucius: I have. I give this fic an Avada Kedavra. The only grade worse than a T.
Peter: Which just shows why Dumbledore never let Malfoy teach at Hogwarts.

*Thanks to underlucius for this riff, which I stole from a discussion we had about bad Tavington fanfics.

DEFT3K 1: My Name

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 22:19:38 GMT

Story Or Series Title: My Name
URL: Lost.
Posted Grade: T, by Severus Snape.

Comments:

Bellatrix: The next time Wormtail comes into my room, I shall castrate him with a rusty chamberpot-scourer. Lucius is a child-molester.
Lucius: I demand a paternity test. Also, the version of me in this story requires a drug test.
Peter: There really are pink plastic handcuffs in the Malfoys' guest room. I've been there.
Severus: I cannot even think of an appropriate punishment for this flagrant abuse of the comma. POV wobbles of this magnitude make me homicidal.

Peter: Oh, bloody hell, it's the bloody button flashing again. Er, Malfoy? Snape? Either of you want to go wake Bellatrix. It's only that the last time I did it she threatened to castrate me with a rusty toilet rasp-
Severus: You must have misunderstood her, Wormtail. After all, that would take a great deal of work.
Lucius: I'll meet you in the theatre. ::he gives the button one look of singular disgust::
Peter: You aren't going to answer it?
Lucius: I have no desire to converse with those class-traitors. Let's just get this over with.

(moments later, they're all seated in the theatre, and the fanfic begins to scroll)

MY NAME

Peter: Is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prep-
Bellatrix: What are you talking about, Worm?
Peter: ::sullenly:: Like there's anything to do in Spinner's End but rent movies.

By andrea mae

Lucius: No last name, I see.
Severus: She wants yours. I saw the summary.
Lucius: ::goes white:: Andrea Mae Malfoy? She's dreaming.

My name? Well I guess you could call me Dan or Danielle Peterson.

Bellatrix: She can't decide whether she's really a girl, inside.
Lucius: Dan Malfoy or Danielle Malfoy. Either way, she's dreaming.
Peter: You'll probably change her name to Dagon or something.
Lucius: ::glares::

My mother’s name is Elizabeth Peterson, she grew up in England. Where

Severus: Comma. Also, the first sentence is two sentences. Use an 'and.'

I am not all too sure, all she tells me is that is a place and time of the past.

Peter: No, I'm pretty sure England is still around.
Bellatrix: Pfft. Why should we care, trapped in this wretched Satellite?
Severus: Is that IT is, baboon.

Now we live in America, and I am an American Witch true to the bone. My father?

Lucius: I demand a paternity test.

Well let’s just say his last name is not mine. My mother says he’s dead or at least she hopes he is.

Severus: I cannot even think of an appropriate punishment for this flagrant abuse of the comma.

I have his white bold hair and bright blue eyes.

Bellatrix: ::snickers:: White bold hair?
Lucius: Bright blue eyes? I do not have-
Severus: I believe she's describing Albus Dumbledore.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can still remember the day it happened. I was in my last year of Hogwarts and it was Christmas break.

Bellatrix: If she's an American witch, why is she going to Hogwarts?

My family was away visiting my older brother in Brazil

Peter: Where they were all shot to death by organized crime.

so I was left to stay with who ever was left.

Severus: "Whoever." I want a ruler, and this brat's hand.
Lucius: Her hand?

I sat at the Hufflepuff table in the great hall

Severus: No, you didn't. You were in the Great Hall.

reading a book I had just gotten from my mother.

Peter: Who handed it to me through a convenient dimensional portal, since she is in Brazil.

Because I was so engrossed in the words I didn’t see Mr. Lucius Malfoy sit down.

Bellatrix: Nor did you wonder why he was in Hogwarts, or what pharmacological cocktail convinced him to sit down at the Hufflepuff table.
Peter: ::as drunk Lucius:: Y'r pur'y, gull. Y' r'min' me 'f my sss-- son.
Lucius: ::hexes him absently::

“Thomas Paine? Who is that?”

Peter: I thought it was Lucius Malfoy.
Severus: He's speaking, referring to her book.
Peter: Oh.

I looked over the book and jumped back.

Bellatrix: Causing my chair to hit Goyle in the groin, for which he rearranged my pretty little Mary Sue face.

I couldn’t believe that he was any where near me.

Severus: ::growls:: Anywhere.

“Don’t be frightened, I am not going to hurt you.”

Bellatrix: You sound like a child molester, Lucius.
Lucius: ::grinds his teeth::

I nodded and sat back down. “I see that you are not leaving for the holiday, and if you don’t mind, I would like to know why.”

Severus: Who is speaking? I assume this is meant to be Lucius' dialogue, in which case Dan/Danielle's actions need their own paragraphs.

“Because my family is going to see my brother in Brazil,” I said before returning to my book.

Lucius: Rude. I suppose I shall hurt her now.

“Would you like to come celebrate with my family?”

Bellatrix: Child molester, Lucius.
Lucius: Enough!

“I couldn’t Mr. Malfoy, it wouldn’t feel right.”

Peter: She's right, she couldn't Mr. Malfoy. Mr. Malfoying is wicked hard.
Severus: ::looking disgusted:: Comma after 'couldn't.'

“But I only want to make you happy, feel more cheerful during this wonderful holiday known as Christmas.”

Bellatrix: ::opens her mouth::
Lucius: ::points his wand at her:: I said, enough.

I felt my cheeks burning so I looked down at the table, trying to avoid his gaze. When I finally looked up I could barley talk.

Peter: She could also hops sing, and oat dictate, but that's another fic.

“I don’t think my parents would like that Mr. Malfoy.”

Bellatrix: Apparently at least one of them does.

“Non-sense, you’ll be safe. Draco would be pleased to have someone other than those two,” he gave a nod of hid head towards Crabbe and Goyle, “with him. What say you?”

Lucius: Why would I invite Crabbe and Goyle's boys over for the holidays? Does she think Malfoy Manor is a petting zoo?
Bellatrix: I think the only petting likely to occur in this fic is between you and your long-lost daughter. ::cackes wickedly::
Lucius: Bellatrix, I'm warning you.
Severus: ::growls:: Nonsense does not require a dash. I can only imagine Lucius nodded his head, but he'd be quite talented if he managed to nod someone else's. Or any other part of his anatomy. Nodding is not a speech-related action, so the dialogue splice is not viable.
Peter: Say 'neigh,' horse-face.

I smiled to myself before placing my mask of stone one once again.

Severus: On, and interesting she never mentioned the stone mask before. Must stand out among the Hufflepuffs.

“That would be perfect.”
The next thing I knew I was standing in the entrance way of the Malfoy manor.

Bellatrix: No Apparition in Hogwarts! Poppycock!

It was three times the size of my house and twice and beautiful.

Lucius: Though grammatically unsound, I suspect it is three times the size of her house and twice. As well as beautiful.

I set down my bags and made a circle just looking around.

Severus: What a wasteful spell to cause one to be expelled from Hogwarts for underaged witchcraft. What a pity.

I couldn’t believe how big the house was.
“Do you like it?” Lucius asked with a smile.
“It is so beautiful Mr. Malfoy.”

Bellatrix: I don't think they're still discussing the house.

I smiled then picked up her bags.

Peter: Whose?

“Here let me help you,” Draco said reaching for the small duffle bag that she was picking up.

Peter: Who was?
Severus: I am tossing a random assortment of commas at this fic and having done with it.

“Thanks Draco,” she said causally.

Lucius: For indeed, whenever one thanks my son, a hurricane strikes Brazil and kills a family.
Severus: For every POV wobble, a large asteroid hits America.

“The guest room by the library?” He asked tossing the bag on his back.
“I’ll show her-"
“Lucius!” Mrs. Malfoy came from the sitting room.

Bellatrix: ::as Narcissa:: Stop hitting on your bastard child, that's disgusting.
Peter: ::as Lucius:: But you and Draco…
Lucius: That's too far. ::hexes him::

“Come on, this way.”
Crabbe and Goyle ran off to some room at the other end of the hallway, most likely the kitchen.

Bellatrix: Couldn't care less, really. Yawn.

I followed Draco up the grand staircase and down the long hall.
“How many rooms do you have here?”
“Too many to count,

Severus: Yet there's only one grand staircase and one long hall.

I knew when I was little but now I seem to have forgotten.” He smiled as they walked pass the library.

Severus: No, they did not. They passed or walked past. ::slashes his wand in a vicious arc, so that a great red 'T' stains the corner of the viewscreen.::

“I have decided that you will be far enough away from Crabbe and Goyle but close enough to my parents and my own room if something should happen.”
“Are you forewarning me of something?”

Peter: Crabbe and Goyle will gang-rape any girl they can get their hands on. Didn't you know that?

“Not at all,” he opened the door and let it swing all the way open. The room was huge with high ceilings. The bed was a large four poster bed

Bellatrix: Gasp!

with black and green silk sheets, which didn’t surprise me

Peter: But the bright pink plastic handcuffs attached to the top posters did.

they were a family of Slytherin’s.

Lucius: No, dear, that's the Gaunts.

“My room is three doors down and my parents are six.

Bellatrix: ::snorts:: A bit too much Elixir of Rejuvenation, there?

Dinner will be ready in about a hour so feel free to take a shower or bath or even take a nap. There is nothing fancy that you have to wear, jeans and a tee-shirt will do.”

Lucius: ::looks appalled:: In my house? I'd disown Draco if he dared suggest such a thing.

“Why are you so cheerful? Did you kill a Gryffindor?”

Bellatrix: "Several," Draco grinned, "including that ponce Harry Potter I always hated him."
Severus: If you imitate the grammar of this fic again, I shall have to carve a T into you as well.

“Very funny Lizzy.”
“It’s Elizabeth,” I said giving him a sideways glare.

Peter: I thought it was Danielle.
Lucius: Now I'm thoroughly confused. Is this my long-lost daughter!Sue, or some random Hufflepuff the age of my daughter that I decided to seduce on a lark?

“We’ll see,” and with that he walked out and shut the door.

Peter: We'll see indeed. 'Elizabeth' is not demonic enough for the Malfoy family. I suggest Elzeebubblebreath.
Bellatrix: ::snickers despite herself::

I walked around looking at all the different things about the room. It really was beautiful. I finally made it to the bathroom, black marble sink tops, black and white marble floors, a four paw bath tub, a shower stall that would have fit me and four of my friends, black toilet and silver faucet, ECT.

Severus: None of these things, defying logic, were actually within the bathroom.
Peter: What's ECT?
Lucius: It's a Muggle poison, ignore it.

There were all different kinds of soup and smelly bath ascents.

Severus: It boggles the mind.
Bellatrix: I am now picturing boiling cauldrons of split pea and minestrone, as well as stained stepladders.

Over all it was over whelming to me and I was just swept away.

Severus: Into oblivion. End of fic. I won't even discuss 'overwhelming.'
Lucius: Of course you will. You're obsessed.

I walked back to the bedroom and laid across the bed.
I woke up to the sound of the door shutting. I thought it was Crabbe or Goyle so I laid just as quiet as I could and waited.

Bellatrix: To be raped.

When I opened my eyes I screamed. There was Lucius Malfoy.

Peter: Being raped by Crabbe and Goyle was one thing, but the man who may or may not be my father once the author figures it out?

“Shhhh, do you want to be caught?”
“What are you doing here?”
“I own this house,” he said with a twisted smile.

Lucius: Home ownership is so deliciously evil.

“No I mean right here, when I was sleeping.”
“I was just watching you.”

Bellatrix: That's… sick. I was just joking about the child molestation, Lucius.
Lucius: I still have no idea if this is meant to be the seduction of the mother, in which case, how does the daughter remember it? Or whether the author lost track of which name was which.
Severus: I don't care. My grade has been posted.